Brené Brown defines shame as a fear of disconnection – the belief that if people knew what we were really like they would reject us. Her research showed that the people who overcome shame are those who are wholehearted and authentic and fully vulnerable.
But when you are experiencing shame, that kind of authentic connection feels impossible. It’s a catch 22. You need connection with others to heal from shame, but shame is the very thing that keeps you from connection.
The Shame-Free Community ground rules for connecting with others
- Honour and respect each other and take a zero-tolerance approach to bullying, harassment, gossiping abusive behaviours and discrimination within the group (for example by refusing to engage in these behaviours and reporting them)
- Keep everything shared by others confidential
- Keep the identities of other community members confidential
- Listen to other community members without judging or comparing them
- Honour other people’s boundaries – for example if they don’t want to do something, don’t force or pressure them to do it
- Be aware of your own needs and triggers and take a break if needed
- Taking active steps not to trigger others – for example, please don’t go into details when sharing about abuse or other trauma
- Give other people the freedom to make their own choices
- Only give advice if it’s specifically requested
- Not share anything offensive, abusive or inappropriate with other group members
- Be fully present during sessions and only using your phone when it’s necessary
- Use ‘I’ statements when talking about how you feel (for example ‘I feel angry at what you said’ rather than ‘you’re ruining everything’)